Gone Girl - Gillian Flynn

My experience with reading Gone Girl was long and sporadic. I got the book from my library's 7-Day Checkout shelf back in July, then returned it unread because I didn't want to read anything disturbing. I put my name in the hold queue (#65 of 65) and forgot about it. Then in December it showed up again on the 7-Day shelf, but I had to stop reading 90 pages before the end because I have a very wibbly relationship with time. And then 2 days ago, my turn in the queue came up and I got to finish the book, so yay serendipity?

Megs has read this, and so has Alice. I think mostly everyone has? But for those of you who have not, I am declaring this post AND the comments a Safe Zone for Spoilers, because  I want to talk about the rampant Whiskey Tango Foxtrot that happened in this book and no one else has been able to do it.

You've been warned.

All right, People Who Are Left. What a roller coaster ride that was. I think I might have whiplash. 

First, we sympathize with Amy because she’s smart and trying so hard, isn’t she? How sad it is that her relationship is so different from how it seemed. And then BAM! Somewhere around page 140 we find out she’s the elected president of the Democratic Republic of Liarland and we start to sympathize more with Nick, who after all isn’t really thaaaaat bad. And then Desi comes along and we’re like, holy shitballs, that guy has a Bates complex and his Mommy Dearest is a little overbearing, isnt’t she? But he’s not sooooo bad – just a minor character who’s a little obsessed, and who hasn’t been a little obsessed with someone, y’know? Remember when she threw herself down the stairs?

And then Amy gets robbed and we’re like, YES! You deserved that, you whorecrux! And then… wow Desi ends up being cah-razy. Like, Daniel Day Lewis in There Will Be Blood crazy, drinking milkshakes out of other people’s yards and such, and we think, maybe Amy’s not so awful that she deserves THIS.

And meantime, Nick is planning to kill her when she comes back and we still kind of think she deserves it a little, but she shows up and then we think she pretty much DEFINITELY deserves it, that crazy bitch. And then we’re not sure who is awfuler, but maybe Nick will get out of there and Amy will go to jail because she murdered someone in cold blood and faked rape wounds now we have to feel sorry for that crazy, horrible mother about her crazy, horrible son, which is distinctly uncomfortable.  

BUT she does not go to jail because Nick decides to stop pursuing this line of thought because – oh my sweet nutbar Aunt Matchi, you guys, the Crazy Train stops twice a day in this town – Amy is preggers despite them not having sex for eeeehver. She is a psychopath whom I have to admire a little – that bitch thinks of everything. 

And in the end, I was strangely satisfied that they ended up together because that amount of sociopathy should NOT be loose upon the world at large. 

8 out of 11 Romantic Treasure Hunts

The Fire Chronicle - John Stephens

As you may recall, I thoroughly enjoyed the first Book of Beginning, The Emerald Atlas.  And when one is so charmed by he first book in a series, one is presented with an interesting dilemma: obviously one will read the next book, but how many sequels or second novels are as good as the first?

Each of the Books of Beginning follows one of the Wibberly children through their search for the three books… of… right. Three kids, three books.

The way Stephens tells Michael’s story while still weaving in a reason for Kate to be around (she’s already gotten her book, after all) is brilliant. There’s time travel and an Oliver-style band of orphan children and dwarves and their nemeses, elves.

And as much as I like the dwarves with their drinking and vaguely Scottish-inspired snark, you guys, I am so amused by elves. They are giddy and vain and just look:

“Oh, wonderful…you’ve already fallen in love with me!”
“I have not-“
“Don’t be silly! You should see the ridiculous look upon your face! By the way, have you noticed the way my hair moves?”

And then there’s this:

“And my father is well?” asked Wilamena … “Tell me captain, what is the state of his hair?”
“Not as lustrous since your captivity, but I’m sure it will regain its natural fullness and bounce once you are home.”

I just… I can’t even.

To paraphrase S. Morgenstern, there is a shortage of perfect sequels in this world. It would be a pity to miss this one. 

9.5 out of 11 Soulful, Big-Eyed Youths

The Flight of Gemma Hardy - Margot Livesey

One of the fun things about reading a lot of (awesome) book blogs with the library request page open is that books show up on the hold shelf for me and, depending on how long I was in the queue for, I don't  remember anything about them - there's just a vague feeling of "positive" hanging about the title. SO, when this one showed up, I was surprised (probably for the second time) that it is a re-telling of my beloved Jane Eyre. And then I got suspicious! And then decided it can't be worse than Wide Sargasso Sea, and by "worse" I mean "more preachy," so just read it already, Self.

Just so we're all on the same page (HAHAHAHA I crack me up), my official Jane Eyre Re-telling Scale goes from Wide Sargasso Sea at the bottom to Rebecca at the top, with The Eyre Affair somewhere around the 85% mark.

Unlike in Rebecca, the events of this book follow Jane Eyre pretty closely for the first 2/3 of the book, and since we've all read the original or at least seen the movie with Michael Fassbender, I don't need to worry about spoilers for a book written in 1857, RIGHT? Good. Okay.

Then please come in and let's begin. Is it warm in here? Please feel free to disrobe, sir.

You've got your evil aunt, your wretched school, your Helen Burns - who in this context dies of asthma, your graduation/leaving of said wretched school, your governess in the remote wilds of a place, your inappropriate relationship between master and servant, etc. etc., and your wedding-that-wasn't.

But it's different, you see, because it all takes place in Scotland, which is further north than Yorkshire and so is colder and even more remote! And herein lies my first quibble with this book - there will be more, as should be expected with a re-telling of a beloved text - it could have been set anywhere, and I feel like a book deliberately set in northern Scotland needs to evoke the feeling of that place. I'm not demanding kilts and rugged, sexy time travelers - FOR NOW - but Livesey didn't capture the distinctive cadence of the Scots or their feelings about their country, which I understand from reading a lot of Diana Gabaldon are vehement.

And then there's the issue of the Mad Woman in the Attic, which was shocking and (barely) plausible in 1857 but definitely not going to work in 1965. I won't spoil how it was dealt with, but I will say that it made Gemma more petulant than her predecessor; the offense wasn't equal to her reaction.

The OTHER thing that I had difficulty with is that the female cousins were not sisters but they were *whispers* lesbians. WHY, Livesey? This is unnecessary. Ok, first of all I fully believe that there need to be more homosexual characters in literature - that fictional homosexuality is less obviously challenging (because it's in a book that you can put down and walk away from when it becomes "too much") and so it helps to encourage acceptance on a subconscious level. BUT. The story wasn't enhanced by the sexuality of these characters, and while their relationship taught Gemma some things about love, it stuck out as an anachronism. So I am torn; on one hand, yes please more positive homosexual relationships, Fiction! and on the other, don't fuck with canon if it's not going to forward the cause,

Overall, I walked away from this one feeling like the story would have stood better on its own feet and not pasted on top of an iconic story arc. The last 1/3 of the book - after Gemma runs away - took on a tale of its own and I liked it better than the previous section. I'd have also liked to hear more about Rochester's Whasshisname's stint in WWII and a deeper discussion of their age difference, as would have been appropriate for something set in the 60's.

6.5 of 11 Ferry Trips to the Orkneys

Feeling Sorry for Celia - Jaclyn Moriarty

The best part about this book is the lovely relationship Elizabeth has with her mom. They are witty with one another but not too witty: 

Elizabeth to her mother:
P.S. I just realized that I told you we drank your Bacardi. Do you want me to cross that bit out? Everyone was saying I should refill the bottle with water so you wouldn't know...

Elizabeth's mother to Elizabeth:
I can't wait to meet your new friends. Please tell them not to put water in my Bacardi.

Amen, sister! There's no excuse for watered-down booze.

It's told entirely through letters and notes; notes between Elizabeth and her mom, her new pen pal from the school 3 blocks over, her best friend since childhood, and a scattering of groups that I clearly recall getting letters from myself when I was a teenager, such as the aptly named Association of Teenagers and the COLD HARD TRUTH Assn. 

Nearly all of the individual letters are rather short, which means I read it so fast the pages may have been smoking when I was done. It's tough to stop when you just careen from paragraph to paragraph.

You know how some people are charming just underneath their skin? You have to get to know them for a minute, and in that minute you're kind of like, "hmm... I don't... know... about you, you curious little thing..." and you raise your eyebrow in their general direction (if you're genetically blessed with a raise-able eyebrow, which I - to my GREAT disgust - am not). And then you blink and suddenly it's been 3 hours and your face hurts from smiling so much. 

That's this book. 

7.5/11 Letters to Santa